Angry DM: Balin's Point of View

So, we started a new campaign with a new DM; Spiker, formerly Kalen the Devious. Spiker played a great character, very believable the whole way through. Now its his turn to run things and there's a new sheriff in town.....

See, Spiker gets off on pain, inflicting pain. Ever since we started, he has announced how much harder his game would be. Saves vs. Death would be commonplace. New characters? Bring plenty of blank sheets. In the first session I experienced that firsthand. My first character, Fjori, was bitten by a rabid "zombie" and infected. There was no cure. Spiker liked that, he knew it. He knew, no matter what we tried, there would be no cure. He wanted to make a point. People were going to die. Well, at least I didn't paint Fjori.

Now, for the last two weeks, Lord Spiker has been gearing up, ramping up the violence level, since we slaughtered his "murder mystery" game a few weeks ago. Don't want to play cerebral? Ok, how about I just pound you? Funny thing is, every time he pulls something out of his bag of tricks, we do something retarrrrrrrdedly stupid that he didn't expect. That throws him for a loop. This week was to be a turning point. We had pissed of the "cleric" (Spiker) because we had been irritatingly effective in the dungeon so far. "She" was going to put a stop to that once and for all.

After reading a few posts full of bravado, I decided that I didn't want ANOTHER character death, especially since I had just painted Nigel, Balin's torchbearer apprentice. My two characters were going to survive the night, that was their goal. So, after being trapped in a large room, formerly full of Kobolds, the night begins with a frontal assault....

"NIGEL! Get over here!" Balin dragged Nigel into the far corner of the room, behind a wall, sheltered from any immediate danger. The room had just been cleared of Kobolds, and Tharkquin had just muttered a prayer that raised the Kobolds once again, this time under his command. Balin tried shouting at one, but no use, they were unresponsive.

"We are going to get through this alive, just do what I say!" Balin growled under his beard. Their plan was to find a relatively safe spot and hunker down. Hopefully the rest of these maniacs wouldn't draw TOO much attention to themselves and commit a mass suicide. These guys were the most undisciplined adventurers that he had ever come across, no common sense. It was a miracle that any of them were still alive, well, all except the elf, he seemed to have a knack for guarding the rear. But, they had a lucky streak. They seemed blessed by their Gods because when things got incredibly hairy and stupidity took over, they always seemed to come out on top. Balin didn't want to risk it though, he was going to let the fools lead the way and he would clean up from behind.

Sure enough, from beyond the room, Balin could hear the yips and barks of more Kobolds. They were shouting canine taunts and things like "FOR THE LADY!" He could do without anymore vile spider kissers. This didn't feel right to Balin. There was something darker behind the welps. At that moment, the elf swung the door open to take a shot and was greeted by a handful of darts. He quickly slammed the door and contemplated. The monk, Odo, another foolish one, whispered a plan to the elf and the paladin, then the elf swung the door open again. Arrows and darts flew. The monk and paladin took off down the hallway, and Tharkquin, the half elf chanted a spell. Balin wasn't sure what was going on, but he was going to hold the fort, right here behind trusty Nigel, who was shaking like a leaf.

From out in the hallway, Balin could hear Kobold whimpers and coughing. Something nasty was going on out there. Thats fine thought Balin, thin them out and we'll wait for the survivors.....Nigel turned to Balin and asked, "Is that normal?"

"What?", replied Balin, as he turned the direction that Nigel was pointing.

From the empty back corner of the room came a shimmering, like the walls were made of water. Then all of the sudden a hole opened in the room and out of it shuffled dead men, zombies, followed by two wicked looking elves. From beyond the portal, Balin could see another elf, a beautiful, slender elven woman, twisting her fingers and whispering something from her dark lips. She smiled demurely as the portal closed and the zombies rushed at them.

Nigel screamed. Balin grumbled, "What in the name of Dumathoin is this Rothe' shit? So much for our plan" The others in the room caught on and turned to face the new danger. Balin and Nigel braced themselves for the oncoming assault. His grip tightened on his axe as he eyed the first zombie coming his way. Instantly the back corner of the room erupted in a tangle of snow webs. The figures inside the webs struggled and tangled themselves within. "You don't see that everyday," thought Balin, just as the first zombie made its clumsy attack on them. Balin couldn't quite get the angle on the walking corpse, while Nigel flailed away with his sword, hacking chunks off the living dead.

After they dismembered the first zombie, they decided to leave their protected corner and position themselves for the upcoming fight. They set up right outside the web, behind a pillar, waiting for the next foul undead to exit the web. The rest of the party was busy it seemed, fighting off a frontal assault on the door. There was a big commotion from over there, but he and Nigel were too focused on the trapped intruders to really care. What a nasty situation they had gotten into. It was pretty clear by the odds they were given topside that they were walking into a lopsided proposition. They weren't expected to surface again. He could remember the sneers as they descended into this hellhole.

There, the next zombie popped out. Nigel and Balin made short work of it. From the doorway, they could hear shouting and screams, the Kobolds had broken in. Balin quickly took a look and what he saw shocked him. A terrifying looking Kobold stood in a mass of smaller dog men. They were slipping around in what looked like.....grease. Balin watched as the elf ran AWAY from the fight towards the other corner of the room. Were those TEARS?!? The huge fighter was running too. WHAT IN THE NAME OF ABBATHOR'S TWISTED BEARD IS GOING ON!!!??

Nigel was shouting, "They're moving!!" The zombies and elves trapped in the webs were struggling free. Balin thought he could handle it and sent Nigel towards the Kobolds. "Go see what the hell is going on over there!" he shouted as he shoved Nigel with his shield. Luckily someone had their wits about them. The cleric, the big headed one, waded into the webs, apparently unhindered. He started pulping zombies and elves as they snarled at him, helpless. The shifty little wizard, Spitz, had made his way to where Balin was standing and cast a spell on him, smiling devilishly as he did. Instantly Balin felt larger, stronger, he was seeing eye to eye with the shifty little bastard now. "What did you just do" Balin demanded. "ENLARGE!!" Spitz shouted, spittle flying from his greasy lips. Balin was dumbfounded for a second before a Kobold lashed out and smashed Spitz across the chin, knocking him unconscious.

The paladin and the monk had made their way back into the room too it seemed, as the Kobolds forced the attack. Spitz lay in a heap as the paladin shielded him from more attacks with his own body. Balin dealt with the Kobold as he again saw Ceric and Torn whimpering in the far corner. Odo, ever one to try the unthinkable, dashed into the webs..."By the balls of Orcus, what is he thinking????" Balin thought as Odo froze in mid air, suspended by cobwebs. Quickly, Odo was able to free himself, as someone set fire to the webs to clear a path.

As all of this was happening, the back wall shimmered again. Balin watched as more zombies piled out of the portal. He stared at the elven lady, who now stood with two incredibly sinister, yet wildly attractive companions. Balin had to admit, despite his intense dislike for the fair folk, he was strangely turned on by these three. He would have to investigate this attraction to pointy eared evil bitches later sometime. Gorson was chanting feverishly. Just as he finished, he sprinted towards the portal yelling "LATHANDER!!!" and jumped through. Luckily the portal didn't close right away, only shrunk. "What does that silly bastard think he's going to do now?" thought Balin. "Check that, make that TWO silly bastards," as Odo went flying into the portal right behind him. Shaking his head, Balin shouted, "NIGEL! Lets go!" and headed towards the opening. But before he could get there, it shrunk, closed, disappeared. In a flash, they were gone.

In a brief moment of clarity, Balin thought he had figured something out. He had a hunch. While the rest of the party stood with their jaws hanging open, Balin uncorked a vile of yellowish fizzing liquid and downed it. His human sized body began to buzz with energy. He felt clear man, fast, tingly. He started sweating lightly and began limbering up. Tharkquin mumbled something, touched his shoulder, and then blew something at him. Balin didn't understand until Nigel said, "Balin? Where did you go?"

"Just follow me Nigel, try to keep up! I know where they're at" and he sprinted at amazing speed through the door and down the hallway. He felt so good. So clean. His mouth was dry and his skin was itchy, but he liked this feeling man, it felt good.

Gettin tired......intermission.......