Wheatfield With Crows

This is one of my favorite paintings. I like Van Gogh as much as the next person, it becomes a little cliche' I guess, so maybe I avoid being a big fan and hanging Starry Night over my desk. But its the "other" paintings that make Van Gogh so interesting. The ones that most people don't consider. This is one of them, actually, this is THE one. It is supposed to be the last painting that Van Gogh made before his death. It's simple, but it's powerful. It's symbolic. It contains all of his emotion. This was Vincent's way of expressing himself and how he felt, problem is, no one got to see it until after he was gone.

I'm thankful for Molly. She's a piece of me and keeps me centered sometimes. For the last month, I've basically ignored her, which makes me feel really bad. I've been caught up in my own stuff and haven't been any good for anyone. Tonight she asked me about Vincent Van Gogh. Out of the blue, she wanted me to tell her the story about him cutting off his ear. Why? I don't have a clue. I told her that it was a long, complicated story. She wanted to know why he would cut his ear off for a girl. I explained that it wasn't 100% positive that he did, but, Vincent was a very passionate person, but always seemed a little off. There were a lot of reasons why he cut off his ear, but yes, one of them was that he cut it off and gave it to the girl he loved as a gift. "Who would want an ear?" Great question. It wasn't the ear, it was the fact that he wanted to give a part of himself to someone. But, being Vincent, he went a little overboard, actually a lot. Maybe he really thought he was doing something "good". Or maybe he felt like he had already lost and this was a last ditch effort, a final gesture, one that he knew would end badly, but he had to do anyway. No one knows.

Sometimes you get a feeling like nothing else matters. Like after all of the shielding and protecting, that it wasn't worth it and you give everything up to fate. What happens, happens, but hopefully things end up in a good way. The opening scene from the movie Dances With Wolves shows this perfectly. Costner's character has had enough. He's worn out, done fighting, he puts himself in the hands of Fate. In the scene he gets on his horse and rides out in front of the lines of soldiers, daring them to shoot him. Some people see this as giving up. I see it as a leap of faith. Instead of "trying"and forcing things, sometimes you just have to open it all up and see what happens. If you're accepted, then so be it. If not, then I suppose it wasn't meant to be. I am of the belief in greater good though, meaning that good things should happen or be. I believe in happy endings. It might take a while, and go through some questionable spots, but in the end, good things should remain. Costner's character goes on to better things, a life 100 times better than what he had. Because he gave himself up, things worked out miraculously. The movie would have sucked if he had gotten shot and killed in the first scene. Thats not the way things should work.

I'm working on opening things up, instead of forcing them. I want things to end up better than before. I have a lot of Van Gogh traits, which I hold on to. I admire him and his intensity. But, I don't want to end up with a Wheatfield With Crows feeling, even though I relate to the way he felt. Leaps of faith aren't easy, they're scary. But I suppose thats what makes faith such a powerful concept. Whether or not I get shot off my horse remains to be seen......